College
by Steve—Age 42—Lafayette, CO
I know I’m supposed to love my job because (a) with all the free time and built-in vacations, it’s vastly cushier than the average American’s, and (b) I should feel privileged to be involved in the mental, emotional, and professional development of a new generation of citizens. But my next semester of being professor __________ starts in two days and I can’t stand the thought of slapping on the mask again and pretending. It’s part of the bargain that my students expect me to maintain an edifice of seriousness, professionalism, and deep concern while they show up to classes stoned, write papers on black market Adderall, fail to read even the most basic instructions, and lie to me with impunity.
That’s somewhat tolerable, because I know them for four months and then we’re strangers again. What I really can’t stand is putting that mask on for my colleagues. Thankfully I have one or two I can talk to honestly about what animals the kids are—how even the good ones don’t read anymore, how even the high school valedictorians can’t tell the difference between it’s and its. But with the rest of them, and especially with the administration, I have to pretend I can genuinely reach students who ultimately don’t give a shit about what I’m trying to teach them, and would rather be playing beer pong.
Of course there will be two good ones in each class, three if I’m lucky, but I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the vast mass who stumble through my classes, and apparently life itself, without showing the slightest glimmer of desire to pay attention and accomplish anything. We’re supposed to teach kids who refuse to learn—a no-win situation if I ever saw one. Something’s wrong, something’s broken. Please don’t be an idiot and tell me we have to fix it one student at a time, because we need to fix the whole damn thing. Give them to me when they’re 20 instead of 18, and maybe I can teach them something.
Okay. Done with the rant. Time to iron a shirt, pick out my first tie. Something that will impress them, let them know I’m committed to maintaining the edifice even though they’d know I think it’s bullshit if they’d just look into my eyes for thirty seconds. If I’d ever let them, that is.
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