Urban Hunter-Gatherer
by Urban Scout—Age 24—Portland, OR
Hunter-Gatherers had it right by me. This year I quit all my jobs so I can teach myself to live like one of them. I know what you’re thinking; that hunter-gatherers spend all day in search of food. Study a little anthropology though, and you’ll find that this ain’t true. Fact is, on a worldwide average, hunter-gatherers only spend 2-3 hours a day hunting and gathering. Doesn’t it suck to know that you just so happened to be born in the most laborious culture in all human history?That’s right, 2-3 hours of what we “civilized” people would call work. You know what these “primitive” folks did most of the time? Let me tell you; they slept, sang, danced, stared into space, talked, meditated, fucked, smoked, and just hung out.
This makes me wonder why the hell we call them “Hunter-Gatherers,” anyhow. I mean, I watch TV for 2-3 hours a day and people don’t call me a “Television-Watcher.” See, civilization is an agricultural based society. In order to have enough food (when you grow it yourself) you’ve gotta work like 8 to 12 hours a day. When you look at it, it just don’t make no sense. Really, farming as a way of life didn’t exist until only about 10,000 years ago.
That means for the first 3 million years of human beings existence, we were all lay-a-bouts. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant “Hunter-Gatherers.” Doesn’t it suck to know that humans have been around for three-fucking-million years, and you just so happened to be born in the most laborious culture in all human history?
The “Man” doesn’t want you to know this shit. That’s why you’ve been told all these lies about “primitive” people walking around starvin’. It’s all to keep you working your ass off, nine-to-five. But not me. I’ve read up on this shit see, and I’ve got some good news for you; civilization ain’t gonna be around much longer. You’ve read the papers, heard the news: global warming, peak oil, ecological die-off, population growth, economic collapse, and on and on. How soon I don’t know. I’m guessing in the next 50 years, at least. That’s why I’ve quit my jobs and started learning how to hunt and gather just like them Indians did. But hell, I don’t need no doomsday prophecy to justify my new life. Even if the shit never hits the fan, I’ll still be sittin’ pretty. ‘Course, it may get lonely, unless you join me out here. Whaddaya say?
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