Jobs
by Andrea—Age 27—San Ramon, CA
Babysitter:
I was never a babysitter, although I was a voracious reader of the Babysitter’s Club series during my adolescence.
When I was 15, I worked retail in a music store. The job lasted all summer and was wonderful (boss was never there; back room to kiss the boyfriend; limitless supply of free CDs) except for the time that I locked up the store and walked into the pitch dark night only to have a knife pulled on me.
I’m not sure if my life would have been different if I’d spent my teenage years babysitting, but I’m pretty sure I don’t remember any knives in the Babysitter’s Club books I read.
Taxidermist:
There is a small store called “Avilla’s Taxidermy & Tanning” in the city I grew up in. You can see the sign from the freeway. I used to drive by the sign and fantasize about learning taxidermy. I had a basic but (I thought) fairly fool proof plan: I would call up Avilla’s and offer free administrative services in exchange for taxidermy lessons. I could answer phones; do some bookkeeping—whatever. Whatever they wanted, I would do. Anything at all. Anything anything anything.
Instead, I sold real estate for two years. I still have fantasies about taxidermy.
Exotic Dancer:
While it is true that I took my clothes off for money, I completely half-assed the dancing part of it. This is the difference between a Stripper and an Exotic Dancer.
Tattoo Artist:
Desperate fantasies. These fantasies also involved having sex with my regular tattoo artist.
I had most of these fantasies while a) having sex with my (ex) husband and b) answering phones for a title insurance company.
Lottery Winner:
I never actually follow up on my fantasies. Just like I never made that phone call to Avilla’s Taxidermy & Tanning, I never buy lottery tickets. This is an actively self-defeating strategy.
Instead, I work for non-profits and public schools. The gap between the Job-I-Do-Not-Have and the Job-I-Have continues to widen. For this, I am speechless.
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