Story: Autobiography of Patton
by Patton Quinn—Age 28—Austin, TX
Age 0
• 29 January, 1980.
5:
• Find dead body at Cedar Creek Lake, Texas.
• Teach myself to do headstand.
7-9:
• Win 13 trophies in every handstand contest at gymnastics. (Mom eventually
chucks trophies.)
9:
• Dad shaves beard, I faint.
12:
• Form “Dumb Penis Gang” (DPG) with best lady friends:
- Cassandra
- Lynn
- Anne
- Courtney
13:
• Quit gymnastics, start diving.
14:
• Discover bands Sebedoh, Dinosaur Jr.
• Fall in love with Lou Barlow.
• Take acid.
15:
• Cassandra inherits orange VW van.
• Spend many hours in it smoking weed, driving around Dallas.
15:
• Move to Austin.
• Love being away from Dallas.
• End up missing Dallas rest of life.
16:
• Learn inward 2 ½ from 3-meter diving board.
•Read Camus, Nietzsche.
17:
• Have poor judgment, quit diving.
• Listen to much Grateful Dead…actually think this is cool.
18:
• Graduate from Catholic high school.
• Take peyote; run away with “Jesus.” (Disillusioned hippie-boy who
hitchhikes everywhere.)
19:
• Hitchhike from Redwoods to Florida.
• Anne dies in car accident.
• Move back to Texas.
20:
• Discover Coltrane, ginger beer.
• Start to play drums.
20-21:
• Take up improvisational comedy.
• Move to L.A.
• Discover Black Sabbath, Basquiat (20 years too late).
• Finally start to hate hippies.
22:
• Begin heavy use of cocaine while also taking yoga classes. (Irony.)
• Meditate outside a lot, cut self frequently. (Not ready for nothingness.)
• Quack doctor prescribes odd drugs for manic depression, including 2 anti-
psychotics.
• Attempt suicide.
• Move back to Texas.
23:
• Meet Dale.
24:
• Dad has emergency brain surgery, lives, memory affected forever.
25:
• Start dating Dale.
• Discover French food, Foucault, Jolie Holland.
• Meet Kim.
26:
• Graduate college with degree in writing.
• Kim/I get tattoos together; she becomes favorite lady friend.
• Travel to Thailand and Cambodia with Dale.
• Discover hoppy beer.
27:
• Grandma dies.
• Dale and I move in.
• Inherit chickens.
• Listen to a lot of old country music.
• Eat much meat.
• Discover bone marrow.
28 (Now):
• Illustrate using pen, ink, crayon.
• Teach yoga.
• Play tambourine in garage rock band.
• Write everything in form of lists.
• Abstain from correct punctuation, pronouns.
• Rediscover folk rock, love for eagles.
• Discover dead chickens in backyard—freak dog attack.
• (Will) write masterpiece with Kim.
29 (Future):
• Will buy 2 new chickens and name:
- Cheech
- Chong
• Will buy 1 rooster and name:
- Rocky
• Will buy ’86 Chevy Silverado.
• Will discover something else.
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